We’re back with another special Q&A and this time… we’re breaking out the D20.
Time to roll for insight!
When it comes to managing a group of adventurers through perilous quests and navigating a toddler’s tantrum in the cereal aisle, the skills might be more similar than you’d think.
That’s the premise behind How to Dungeon Master Parenting, a clever and surprisingly profound guide that reimagines parenthood through the lens of tabletop gaming’s most beloved role: the Dungeon Master.
Author and narrator Shelly Mazzanoble brings her dual expertise as an experienced DM and parent to this unique guidebook. She proves that while babies don’t come with rulebooks, perhaps the best manual was sitting next to our dice bags all along. From treating diaper changes like dexterity checks to viewing pediatrician visits as essential side quests, she offers a fresh perspective on the adventure of raising tiny humans.
In this blog, Mazzanoble answers a few of our burning questions about her journey narrating this audiobook, where she serves as both the DM of the story and the bard who tells it. Read on to explore how the collaborative storytelling spirit of D&D translates to the unpredictable “campaign” of parenthood, and why sometimes the best parenting strategy might just be to roll with it.
Q: You bridge two distinct worlds – tabletop gaming and parenting. What was your ‘roll for initiative’ moment when you realized these seemingly different realms had meaningful parallels?
A: I started a D&D club at my son’s elementary school and spent a lot of time around kids. I kept finding myself going from Dungeon Master (DM) mode (Yes, you should totally jump on that sleeping owlbear’s back!) to Mom Mode (You will not spend the night at this dark, dank campsite! Do you even have a light source???) and realizing how much more effective I was in managing 20 ten-year-olds when I was in DM mode. (A lot more fun too.)
Dungeon Mastering really is a training ground for how to skillfully handle a myriad of complicated or unexpected situations. Many of the same adjectives (collaborative, generous, good listener, quick-thinking, able to manage many personality types, etc.) that describe a great Dungeon Master could also be used to describe great parents. That got me thinking about what would happen if I approached parenting the same way a Dungeon Master approaches planning for a D&D campaign. I would probably handle surprises a lot better.
Turns out, Dungeon Masters are superior enlightened beings and can pretty much teach us anything.
Q: Every good campaign has unexpected moments that force the DM to improvise. Can you share a parenting moment where your DM skills helped you adapt on the fly?
A: The second my son was born I became a Type A control freak. I’m not proud of this! (I am however proud of my wild magic sorcerer who reminds me how much fun it is to be the agent of chaos occasionally. Playing her is very cathartic!) Despite my efforts, I can’t control the world my son exists in, but Dungeon Mastering is teaching me that it’s not just ok, it’s not my job to do so. I wouldn’t do that as a Dungeon Master. I want my players to push boundaries, ask questions, and explore far flung reaches I didn’t even know were there.
Challenging me is how I improve. The important thing is to never let on when I simply don’t have a clue.
Due to a very stupid error on my part, my son and I ended up missing a connecting flight and missing my dad’s surprise party. (Surprise! We’re not coming! Glad you weren’t expecting us!) But I was super upset and my son who was three at the time was picking up on it. Rather than being stuck in a random city for 24 hours with a child on the verge of a meltdown, we made the most of it.
Hotel night, room service, indoor pool, tons of junk food, movies in bed! Couldn’t have planned it better had I actually planned it. It’s all about embracing the surprises and accepting the challenges and yes, we got a great story out of it.
Q: DMs often must balance following rules with knowing when to bend them for the story’s sake. How has this mindset influenced your approach to parenting guidelines?
A: The first time I tried Dungeon Mastering was at work and was categorically a complete and utter failure. I’m talking so incredibly not fun it became awkward for everyone involved. I’m surprised I didn’t get sent to HR for creating such an uncomfortable environment!
The reason I was such a flop? I tried too hard to stick to the rules. D&D isn’t like poker or a euro-board game where the rules are actually quite important! They’re there mostly as a guide. Use them or not. Make up your own! Abide by the rule of cool! Parents are essentially their own R&D department. You playtest, process feedback, continue to develop, and put it into practice. And then if you have a second child you start all over because of course what works for one won’t work for the other.
Obviously, there are some rules parents should absolutely know — infant CPR, how to install a car seat, when to switch your baby to solid foods- things like that. But every family and child is different so there isn’t—and shouldn’t be—a one size fits all approach.
Milestones are a lot like rules. Parents pay very close attention to things like when a baby should cut their first tooth or hold a spoon. Comparing your baby to these mythological “average babies” is a great way for parents to nosedive into a nice, comforting anxiety spiral! My son never rolled over. Not once. Just went straight from lying flat on his back to sinking 3-pointers on the basketball court.
He’s 11 now and I’ve seen him roll over plenty of times!
Letting go of someone else’s ideal in game and in parenting has given me the freedom to trust my instincts and cater to a specific person—not a prototype. The only rule that matters is the rule of cool.
Q: In D&D, characters grow through both successes and failures. How has embracing the ‘natural 1s’ of parenting shaped your growth as both a parent and writer?
A: One of the best lessons D&D teaches is not fearing failure. When the dice are in control of an outcome, players are more inclined to take risks. It’s not personal! No judgment! Just a little bad luck. Rolling a 1 is where some of the best stories are born.
While I can’t blame low dice rolls for some of my less than stellar parenting moves, I can accept that not every result will be a critical hit. Mistakes happen and we move on. We celebrate the attempt, not the outcome.
I think this is a great lesson to impart on kids. Don’t be afraid to try something. Try out for a team, audition for a school play, learn a new skill. Just put yourself out there. So many times I was tempted to fudge the math to help a kid succeed but I resisted. The victory would be short-lived. The knowledge, resilience, humility they’re learning will last a lifetime.
Q: DMs create safe spaces for players to explore and take risks. How do you apply this concept to creating emotional safety and encouraging growth for your children?
A: This is such a great question and something good DMs do so well. The worlds we explore as D&D heroes are vast, unpredictable, and full of danger and that’s why we love them so much! That is 100% the opposite of the world parents want for their kids. It is vast, unpredictable, and dangerous, but it’s also full of opportunities, surprises, and ripe for exploration. I try to curate an environment of wonder and curiosity instead of fear and suspicion. It’s not always easy!
Just like a Dungeon Master wouldn’t (or rather shouldn’t) shove a 1st-level adventuring party through the doors of Castle Ravenloft to fight Strahd himself, parents aren’t letting toddlers hang out at the park unsupervised. We are essentially leveling up our kids by allowing them to face age-appropriate challenges and gain experience gradually so they’ll be prepared for whatever obstacles inevitably come their way.
Q: If you could add one ‘house rule’ to the unofficial parenting rulebook that would make the game better for everyone, what would it be?
A: Parents get an endless supply of Heroic Inspiration forever and always. They can use it on themselves to redo or take back an action, give themselves a confidence boost, alleviate guilt, or gain an extra hour of sleep.
Q: Narrating your own audiobook is like being both the DM and a player. What challenged you most about translating your written voice into an audio performance?
A: Well, clearly I didn’t think I’d have the chance to narrate the audiobook, otherwise I wouldn’t have used words like svirfneblin, skijoring, or spelunking. There’s even a whole section where I deliberately make up even more made-up unpronounceable names! Turns out, I mispronounce a staggering amount of words but thankfully I had an excellent producer who had a much better command of the English language than I do.
It’s also a bit terrifying and “in your face” to read every word you labored over for months. A part of me feared I would obsess over wanting to rewrite entire chapters or come up with a way better joke and it was too late to change anything but thankfully the experience left me appreciating the work that went into writing and reading this book and I love it even more now.
How to Dungeon Master Parenting releases November 12, 2024
Follow the retailer links below to add to your TBR today!
Audible • Spotify • Libro.FM • Audiobooks.com • B&N
